Do you want the good news, or the bad news?

[cromasaig]

Ooh, this is an interesting one. For Slinks and I, obviously, because of the twin thing. But the real insights relate to single children.

http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/ ... n-to-them/

To summarise, the data* from twin studies suggests that (extremes apart) quality of parenting has much less to do with how your kid ends up than genetics, ie, non-identical twins, raised identically, end up totally different. Identical twins, raised separately, still tend to end up exactly the same. Upbringing has an impact on childhood itself, but the differences are slowly eroded by genetics as they reach adulthood.

So, the good news: lighten up - there's nothing you can do about it.
The bad news: sh*t - there's NOTHING you can do about it.



*no sources given

[slinky]

Just proves my theory, really Honestly, I'm a big believer in personality being primarily hard-wired and not all that much to do with nurture. We pretty much knew from day 1 that our twins were just about as different as night and day. It's always been somewhat liberating because, for example, when they were babies and one was freaking out and we had no idea why, we were often able to look at the other non-freaking out one and say, 'Well, it's probably not anything we've done.....'

Actually, I can do better than that vague example - I can remember slinkette often crying when we got a babysitter and went out, but little boy slink was always perfectly content and happy. If we'd only had slinkette, we probably would have spent a lot of time second guessing ourselves and even given up on the whole babysitter idea, but the fact that little boy slink was not only fine, but happy even, told us it wasn't likely anything about the babysitter, slinkette just had a bit more separation anxiety than her brother. And that made it generally pretty easy to believe and trust the babysitter when she said slinkette only cried for a few minutes and was fine later.

Mainly, I see our job as parents to provide a stable, loving home with plenty of opportunity and, oh, yeah, to at least get them to understand how to be decent human beings. But they aren't necessarily going to be exactly anything I've been known to imagine. Who knows, they might be better

Would be nice to read the actual research on this though!

[Fat Bob]

Went to a fantastic public lecture by Prof Jeremy Nicholson a few weels ago, who was saying something similar, but from a scientific point of view. He looks for particular markers in blood and urine samples of patients to see if you can find simple markers of diseases, and where those markers come from.

One of the markers for autism was shown to be due to gut microbes. Very interesting, and I believe it needs further study to see if those microbes are a cause or a symptom.

Anyhow, back to your feel-good remarks!

[Aliya]

Interesting for adoptive parents like me too. There is definately a nature/nuture argument but I agree that children are hard wired as soon as they are born but that the way they are brought up is important.

[Spike]

The work of Carl Jung in the 1920s identified that there are parts of our personality that are hard wired at birth and never actually change over time, rather like the operating system of a computer. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI as it's more commonly known, was born out of this discovery. Just like a computer, you can't change how the operating system works but you can add or delete software. In the human parallel it means our innate personality facets are always there but our behaviour can adjust to complement or balance those facets. In my work one of the first things I normally do is get the client to take the MBTI questionnaire as the first step towards awareness of how their innate personality is affecting their behaviour and hence their performance at work.

[slinky]

The work of Carl Jung in the 1920s identified that there are parts of our personality that are hard wired at birth and never actually change over time, rather like the operating system of a computer. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI as it's more commonly known, was born out of this discovery. Just like a computer, you can't change how the operating system works but you can add or delete software. In the human parallel it means our innate personality facets are always there but our behaviour can adjust to complement or balance those facets. In my work one of the first things I normally do is get the client to take the MBTI questionnaire as the first step towards awareness of how their innate personality is affecting their behaviour and hence their performance at work.

Yep, MBTI, good stuff! Of course, you can't accurately type a child until they are in their late teens or so, but, with younger kids, you can still sometimes get a pretty good indication on some facets - particularly introvert or extrovert - and that alone can be a tremendous help (or at least I think it can).

I was at a 'Child Social Relationships' talk last week and the number of parents who thought their child was having all sorts of difficulty because 'he/she only has 2 friends' was quite interesting. The first question/comment I have for a parent with that kind of concern is something along the lines of: "You aren't like that, are you? You have a large number of friends and like to be surrounded by them a lot, right?" to which they usually answer 'yes' and then it's time to talk about the fact that they themselves are likey an extrovert and their child is quite possibly an introvert and the main issue is extroverts don't always 'get' introverts, not that their child is socially inept

I've still got to work on that MBTI certification, Spike

[Scrummy Mummy]

On a slightly related issue (child development) I've come across quite a few 4 year olds recently who are having speech therapy. I'm not sure if it's (1) Aussies are good at identifying the need (2) 4 is when it's obvious there's a problem (3) there are more kids needing help than years ago.

[Satellite]

I wonder where I got my genes from as all my siblings and my parents are polite & nice except me....

[Fat Bob]

I think too many of you are trying to blame something else for your poor parenting skills.

[baloo]

It has to be genetics. How else can I explain BBII, not yet 4, getting expelled from Japanese class at preschool ?

[Fat Bob]

He's only half Japanese. Was he looking up the Japanese school girl's skirts?

[Lili Von Shtupp]

It has to be genetics. How else can I explain BBII, not yet 4, getting expelled from Japanese class at preschool ?

how does something like that happen?

[cromasaig]

I think too many of you are trying to blame something else for your poor parenting skills.

Damn right.

[slinky]

It has to be genetics. How else can I explain BBII, not yet 4, getting expelled from Japanese class at preschool ?

Yeah, we're going to need more details about that before we can make a proper assessment..........

[Lili Von Shtupp]

Every now and again I ponder the day in the far future when Wolfie outlines all the ways in which we f#$%ed up his life.

[slinky]

Lili, it's likely it will go something like this:

My mother to me, about 10-15 years ago: "You know, sometimes I still feel bad that I wouldn't let you take ballet lessons."
Me, about 10-15 years ago: "I wanted to take ballet lessons??"



I guess the point is, it won't be anything related to what you think it could be............if there even is anything!